Updated: Aug 13, 2019
I have been going back and forth whether or not to share such a private matter with everyone. This may sound weird, but I was even in prayer about it. It’s a topic our current culture doesn’t openly discuss. It’s a very private process for most and can be very difficult to talk about. Even the word just sounds terrifying. Miscarriage.
A few months ago I took a pregnancy test and sure enough I saw two pink lines. My emotions were out of control. For a while I wasn’t even sure I wanted more kids after we had Leo. I’m being honest here...I wasn’t sure I could handle another baby with all that we go through with our sweet Leo. Some of that was peek hormones but mainly it was my fear creeping in. Thankfully after a lot of counsel and time I was beginning to overcome most of that fear. So when I saw a positive pregnancy test I was so excited and ready to fight off the fear that wanted to rear its ugly head.
I told my husband right away and he shared my excitement. We couldn’t believe it! During those few weeks we told our families the good news and were anxious to get in to see the doctor and hear our baby’s heartbeat.
I was about 8 weeks when I went in! Since I have done this a few times I knew what to look for and what to expect. They started the ultrasound and I could tell the doctor was a little concerned. I was not measuring 8 weeks, I was only measuring about 6 weeks. Even at 6 weeks I knew we should still see a little heartbeat. However, I could not see a little flutter on the screen. The doctor wanted me to come back in a week and if by then we don’t see a heartbeat then most likely I was going to be having a miscarriage. I wasn’t prepared for that word. She warned me that if I was going through a miscarriage that my body was going to start the process and I would know within a few days.
I left terrified. I called my husband in tears, letting him know there was no heartbeat and there’s a good chance I’ll miscarry. We called our family asking for prayers. Needless to say the next few days were not easy. I was overthinking everything. Did I do something wrong? Was it me?
Sure enough, a few days went by and my body began the process of a miscarriage. I went back to the doctor to confirm there was no heartbeat and that I was truly going through a miscarriage. I have never had a miscarriage so I really didn’t know what to expect. Thankfully I was able to reach out to some friends who went through the same experience and I felt like I was able to really lean on them. During a scary time like that you really need someone to hold your hand. Of course, my husband was right by my side but to have another woman who has gone through the same experience help you and guide you along the difficult road was beyond. I felt like I went into the process with a better understanding of what my body was about to experience.
After my miscarriage I felt physical relief but emotionally I felt this strong void and true, true heartache. I was heartbroken over a little life that I never got to meet. A life my two precious boys didn’t get to hold hands with, laugh with or call them brother or sissy. That broke me. The grief has been hard.
My dad said to me, “give God all that you can...even if it’s only a little right now.” Since I was really struggling right after my miscarriage I felt like I had nothing more in me. I felt like I could hardly talk to God. I was so upset and confused. But I gave what little I had. And I’m glad I did! In my heart of hearts I believe God’s hand has been on us, this baby, and He’ll continue to guide us along this journey. I also believe we’ll meet that baby in heaven. I really do!
I hope and pray this brings encouragement to you. We are not alone and it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to ask for help! We aren’t meant to carry life’s burdens alone.